Opinion > Columnists > Randy Scholfield

Posted on Fri, May. 23, 2008

e-mail	print	RSS	reprint
AIM	Digg it	del.icio.us	Facebook

What else I learned in kindergarten

Have you been to any of the end-of-school-year events? It used to be that May graduations were about high school seniors.

No longer. Middle schools are having graduations for eighth-graders -- and elementary schools are holding "moving on" ceremonies for fifth-graders.

Nice events. Kids deserve recognition for their accomplishments.

But is this something new, all of these graduations? I don't remember having a middle school graduation, much less a grade school one.

They kicked us out the door.

Even some kindergartners, I hear, have graduation ceremonies these days!

That got me wondering about what a kindergarten commencement address would sound like.

Here's my speech:

I thank you for the privilege of speaking today at this special event. Let's have a round of applause to Miss Haversham's Suzuki class for that fine rendition of "Chariots of Fire." I've never heard it played quite like that.

Before we begin: Parents, just turn off your cameras right now. Not one of you will take a decent picture in which your child is identifiable. You're just too far away.

Kids, I'm not going to stand up here today and talk to you about courage. Or perseverance. By completing kindergarten, you've demonstrated those qualities in abunda--

Um, excuse me, on the first row -- could you be quiet?

You might have heard the expression, "All I need to know I learned in kindergarten."

And you're probably asking yourself, "If that's the case, why are they going to make me sit through another gadzillion years of school?"

Good question. Keep questioning, kids. Except remember to stop when we tell you the answer.

And here's the answer: There is still much for you to learn. Still many levels for you to master in the video game of life.

Ahem. You -- yes, you. With the glasses. Stop pulling on her hair. Now.

Right. Where was I?

In coming years, you will be tested, and tested again, and then when you think you've reached the end of all testing, you will be tested on what you learned about testing.

You're testing me, aren't you?

That's so we adults can prove you've learned what you're supposed to learn about how to take a test.

You face other challenges, too, that will test your resolve and sometimes turn your stomach.

Like cafeteria food. It's getting better, but let's admit that some of it looks like poo-pie that's been sitting too long under a heat lamp.

In coming years, you will be given ribbons and awards and endless assurances that you're special, so much so that you might wonder whether there's something really, really wrong with you.

Don't worry, you're OK. Just put the ribbons in a drawer somewhere and get on with your life.

But you might ask the grown-ups: If I'm so special, how come I have to go to class in these run-down schools?

Should he be chewing on that chair?

Some other advice:

If you learn a foreign language like Spanish, terrific -- just keep it to yourself.

If you can actually speak in a foreign tongue, insecure people might think that you're making fun of them. Or acting superior. Americans study other languages, you see, but we're only allowed to speak American.

No. Don't ask. I don't know why.

So "English only," please. And that goes for pig Latin, too -- ix-nay it-ay.

You've begun to learn the importance of napping. In fact, several of you have earned ribbons for it.

A nap a day is a good habit that will serve you well in life.

As you've noticed, sometimes your parents are a wee bit cranky.

Know why? They're wearing themselves out trying to keep up with all your extracurricular activities! Can you say "overscheduled"?

How many of you like to make mud pies? I thought so.

Here's how you can surprise your parents this summer: When they get cranky, tell them they have your permission to go take a nap.

They'll appreciate that.

And you can go make some mud pies and get dirty.

Mrs. Butkus, I believe that child is choking. He ate a what -- an eraser? This isn't funny, children. Someone slap him on the back! Harder. Stand back! Whoa -- did you see how far that flew? OK.

In closing, let me just say that character is what you do when no one is looking.

Yes, I'm talking about picking your nose. Stop it.

Follow these simple rules, and you'll go far in first grade. You might even become president.

Now, everyone please take out a sharpened No. 2 pencil and a piece of blank paper. There will be a test.

Randy Scholfield is an Eagle editorial writer. His column appears on Fridays. Reach him at 316-268-6545 or rscholfield@wichitaeagle.com.